Assuming that you’re reading this the very instant I post it to hubbuzz (and I think that’s a pretty safe assumption to make), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “hey, what gives? Didn’t A Taste of Colorado happen well over a week ago? This outdated blog is downright bogus; I for one expect far better from one of the most consistently brilliant bloggers of his generation, that of course being PorkChopSandwiches.”
In response to this internal dialogue of yours, I’d first and foremost like to commend you for using a semicolon within the context of your personal thoughts – truthfully, there are not many people that are capable of doing that. Secondly though, I’d like to point out that the Taste of Colorado was not the only noteworthy event going on in Denver last week, as our fine city was also visited by a traveling intestinal disease called Cryptosporidiosis. I was fortunate enough to experience both of these noteworthy visitors, and trust me, you’re more than lucky that I chose to write this blog about the cotton candy I ate in Civic Center Park on Monday rather than what became of the cotton candy on Tuesday.
I’m a native Coloradoan, so it might come as some surprise that I’d never attended the TOC (that’s what we’re going to call “A Taste of Colorado” from here on out, as my adolescent arthritis hates longwinded event titles) before in my life. I’d always heard that the event’s way too crowded to enjoy, and that the meager morsels of food aren’t worth the massive wait times to get them – basically, I’d heard that the TOC tends to consistently disappoint its visitors from every angle. Still, on a purely conceptual level, the TOC always seemed to me to be a can’t miss concept: Walk around, eat food, look at people, walk around some more, eat some more, go home, nap. That’s what we call a perfect day in my world. Well, after logging an impressive 2 hour stay at the event last weekend, I can declare with every degree of certainty, that these accusations against the TOC that I’d heard for years are absolutely, 100%, undeniably true.
I’m not entirely sure how to convey the true experience of attending the TOC, but I’ll give it a shot by describing what happened to me, in the cleanest terms possible: I remember walking towards Civic Center Park, and then I remember thinking “wow, there really ARE way too many people down here”, and then I entered the fray, and then everything just gets kind of fuzzy. A couple hours later I found myself leaned up against an overweight olive-skinned man who reeked of Cool Water cologne with a half eaten helping of corn of the cob dangling from my fingers, and the only thought I could bring myself to ponder was “what the hell just happened?” There aren’t any answers for a question like that man, there just aren’t.
In closing, I’d like to propose some new, and more appropriate titles for the TOC:
4. A taste of calamity
3. A taste of conceptual nightmare
2. A taste of the foul stench being emitted by the person you’re crammed up next to
1. A taste of a cluster$#%!
That is all for now, loyal readers. That is all.
